Microwave Chips, Movie Swearing and a Weaponised Fart

Episode 89 begins with a simple question: what happens when tap to pay stops working and you’ve left your wallet at home? After a £99.98 Lidl close call, Tom takes aim at Sky Mobile’s Roy Keane advert, Rob reveals that he had no idea who Roy Keane was, and the pair establish that repeatedly smashing a phone against a card reader is not a convincing demonstration of modern technology.
Then it’s time to decide how much swearing belongs in a PG film. Inspired by Star Trek IV, Coyote vs Acme and the BBFC’s wonderfully vague definition of “mild bad language”, Tom and Rob work through the acceptable uses of bloody, bugger, piss, bitch and several other words you probably weren’t expecting to hear during a discussion about children’s films.
Gaming brings the arrival of Nintendo’s new Zelda remake, a rare pre-order from Tom, an Ocarina pin badge and another furious encounter with online scalpers. With consoles appearing on eBay before anyone has received them, the proposed solution involves Nintendo accounts, activation restrictions and considerably more common sense.
The Snack Sack returns with a microwave chip showdown. McCain’s Quick Chips — formerly the far better-named Microchips — face Birds Eye Express Fries. One is soggy yet somehow dry; the other resembles day-old McDonald’s chips and provides an unexpected jaw workout. The salt does most of the work, Fries to Go remain missing, and the air fryer wins by default.
There’s also unfinished business from the Foley challenge. Trains, whales and warp-speed spacecraft are recreated using plates, mouths, audio effects and one heavily manipulated fart. Rob misunderstands the assignment, Tom’s wife unknowingly votes for the fart, and dignity quietly leaves the studio.
Finally, a movie-franchise quiz makes everyone feel ancient as The Hunger Games, Cars, Shrek, Pokémon, Jurassic Park, Terminator, Alien, Star Trek, James Bond and Quatermass are placed in order. Then Pretty Green Eyes battles Stop the Rock in a sweat-soaked burst of 90s club nostalgia.
Main website: www.thevarietyshow.co.uk
Studio: www.channel84.co.uk
E-mail your questions: tj@thevarietyshow.co.uk